lurkworthy

and because I'm exuding all this negativity, it would be best if you drop by these awesome sites

Luxirare
this girl must have a staff working for her, or she just has too much time on her hands

Automatism
lovely (and informative) links

Shitmydadsays
nuff said

Kitchen Cow
Food porn (by pinays)

ScienceBlogs
because there's an explanation for anything

99 Percent
self help for creatives

Summer

stolen from flickr


14+ years of schooling has taught us that summer is equivalent to rest, and fun, and joyful senseless living, free from work, and deadlines, and things we "need" to do.

Now, 10 years after graduating, I still can't shake of the lethargy and inability to focus on tasks at hand. And it is with a looming deadline and a ton of things to write, that I find myself verbally constipated. I need a couple of hours going non-verbal at eye-candy blogs for the words to flow. I like looking at pictures of verbs, of things I like doing.

My usual haunts.

Le Love

Le Smoke



Fffound

Unruly Things

back

stolen from le love


missed me? hahah...i remember one of my new year's resolutions being to "blog less, live more"... but not forego blogging altogether. blame my lengthy absence from work. i never thought that thinking for a living would be that tiring and time consuming...

but things are a bit laid back now. the bosses are panicking less and giving us time to think. and for me that's time to catch up on friends, and what's going on in the lives of my lurkees and in weblandia in general, and time to blog.

but this will be a short one as I have a film to finish. hopefully i can get the money by month's end or early march.

i had a haircut last new moon, bought new slippers and vitamin E. but my insides are dying. i need to feel the love of people around me, but how is that when 80% of the time I'm working with people who don't know me well enough. i couldn't do any of the soul-healthy things I used to like play with declan, play bass, listen to other people play music and read poems, drink with friends, watch films, sleep, stay in bed a few moments upon waking to contemplate on dreams, read good books, and write for writing's sake... I couldn't do any of those things.

And now I am sick, and coughing. And my voice is gone. Literally and figuratively.

But I get by. I bought new flats in black and blue and ate expensive pasta the other day. I will try to dress nicely and not be a slob. I will just think that I have a paycheck large enough to send declan to daily therapy, and maybe save up a little each month for investment in stocks later if and when the financial situation clears. and maybe if I manage to continue teaching while writing, I could save up for my little films. And those thoughts are enough to keep me going. Oh, and the nasty things like nicotine, and caffeine, and beer.

One day, I will be rich enough to buy art and make art everyday. One day I will be rich enough to have all the time in the world for myself and the people I love. One day I will no longer be late and rushing for work because I can afford to set schedules and these will be only for the things that matter.

But right now, I have less than 2 hours for lunch, getting ready for work, travelling to work, and working on the assigned story premises and wrapping up this blog.

and now we're back...

Been busy for the past two weeks doing this

But it seems I can't wind down till next week. Cheques to look out for, thesis defenses, 4 christmas parties, wrapping up deals, deadlines... it's endless.

I wish I were 17 again, fresh-faced and looking forward to the UP Lantern Parade and afterparty. The reality is, I'm 30 wrought like iron, and pining for an hour to myself to get a massage.

oh and this is the nth xmas with no lovelife for me... but then i guess it's too soon to sum up, there's still 10 days... but then i don't really care... i just want the money to come in on time and that i finally meet all the deadlines, and that the film gets finished.

marlboro lights & coffee & red shoes

instant quiz and a funny conversation with an old friend (whom I haven't seen in ages). on network writing. of course taking out other parts of the conversation that might incriminate other people ahehhe.

10:49:21 AM pam_miras: na pe=pressure ako taena,
10:49:26 AM pam_miras: aheheh
10:49:28 AM xero_roach67: basta less incidental puzzles better
10:49:36 AM pam_miras: pero dapat hindi, relax lang...
10:49:41 AM xero_roach67: yung puzzle mo yung mainthread
10:49:48 AM xero_roach67: ehehe...
10:49:55 AM xero_roach67: ako nagsusulat ngayon ng ********...
10:49:56 AM xero_roach67: pakshet
10:49:58 AM xero_roach67: tuyot na ako
10:50:07 AM xero_roach67: nag-aaway na kami ni ******
10:50:10 AM xero_roach67: ehehe
10:50:17 AM pam_miras: ah talaga? ahehe na-stuck ka na sa mga genre,
10:50:27 AM pam_miras: o baket?
10:51:23 AM xero_roach67: oo nga na -stuck na ako
10:51:25 AM xero_roach67: ewan...
10:51:31 AM xero_roach67: parang tuyot ako...
10:51:34 AM xero_roach67: gusto nilang palagyan ng emotions...
10:51:37 AM xero_roach67: ehhhh...
10:51:41 AM xero_roach67: basta...
10:51:45 AM xero_roach67: mahabang paliwanag...
10:51:47 AM xero_roach67: mag-aangst lang ako
10:51:50 AM xero_roach67: ehehe...
10:51:58 AM pam_miras: ang hirap ng emotions paniwalaan pag may costume aheheh
10:52:03 AM pam_miras: ok lang yan...
10:52:06 AM xero_roach67: oo nga eh...
10:52:09 AM xero_roach67: ngak...
10:52:13 AM xero_roach67: ikaw kaya nasa future...
10:52:18 AM pam_miras: kaya nga
10:52:23 AM xero_roach67: may taong puno
10:52:23 AM pam_miras: para akong ulul
10:52:32 AM pam_miras: mga gumagawa ng scifi ulul
10:52:33 AM pam_miras: ahehehe
10:52:34 AM xero_roach67: may set na weird...
10:52:40 AM xero_roach67: ahehehehe...
10:52:45 AM xero_roach67: okay lang iyan...
10:52:56 AM xero_roach67: una ma-aamaze sila dahil gusto mo gumawa ng kakaiba...
10:53:01 AM xero_roach67: then they will realize...
10:53:09 AM xero_roach67: ah eto yung story na ganito ganyan...
10:53:19 AM xero_roach67: galing nagawa niya yung story na iyon sa ganyang bihis...
10:53:24 AM xero_roach67: then magugulat sila...
10:53:29 AM xero_roach67: oh ganun pala gusto niya...
10:53:33 AM xero_roach67: oh ganun pala yun...
10:53:37 AM xero_roach67: oh... tats ako...
10:53:45 AM xero_roach67: oh... tara lets plant trees...
10:53:51 AM xero_roach67: sign up for green peace...
10:54:00 AM pam_miras: :))
10:54:06 AM xero_roach67: mag sesegregate na ako ng basura...
10:54:14 AM pam_miras: gagu ka***** ;))
10:54:15 AM xero_roach67: then... nagawa mo na yung purpose mo...
10:54:21 AM xero_roach67: tapos paguusapan ka...
10:54:32 AM xero_roach67: napanood mo na yung short film na enviromental ek ek
10:54:36 AM xero_roach67: galing pare
10:54:49 AM pam_miras: basta ayoko na gumawa ng pa-art, na handheld, na may dugo dugo!
10:54:56 AM pam_miras: aheheh
10:55:00 AM xero_roach67: ako may dugo pa rin...
10:55:08 AM xero_roach67: pero yung 'minsan may isang diwata'
10:55:12 AM xero_roach67: yun walang dugo
10:55:16 AM xero_roach67: yun ang gusto kong gawin...
10:55:24 AM xero_roach67: nkwento ko na yun sa iyo no
10:55:34 AM pam_miras: siguro..
10:55:39 AM pam_miras: di ko na maalala..
10:55:53 AM xero_roach67: lolo siya na gumagawa ng fairy tale books
10:55:59 AM xero_roach67: tapos may girlfriend siyang diwata...
10:56:07 AM xero_roach67: kaso hindi tumatanda yung diwata... tapos siya lolo na
10:56:27 AM pam_miras: dream yan ng mga dom ah?
10:56:29 AM pam_miras: aheheh
10:56:34 AM xero_roach67: ahehehe...
10:56:37 AM xero_roach67: oo...
10:56:39 AM xero_roach67: siguro...
10:56:44 AM xero_roach67: then the lolo lets go of the diwata
10:56:50 AM xero_roach67: kasi defeated na si lolo..
10:56:57 AM xero_roach67: wala na daw gumagawa ng fairy tales ngayon...
10:57:03 AM xero_roach67: horror stories nalang...
10:57:18 AM xero_roach67: eh yun lang ang alam niyang isulat... mga kwento nila...
10:57:23 AM xero_roach67: well anyway...
10:57:26 AM xero_roach67: parang ganun lang...
10:57:34 AM xero_roach67: story kung paano siya mag susuccumb sa old age...
10:57:49 AM pam_miras: parang pang Sandman nga eh
10:57:54 AM pam_miras: okey
10:57:58 AM xero_roach67: siguro...
10:58:06 AM xero_roach67: oo nga...
10:58:08 AM xero_roach67: ahehehehe...
10:58:12 AM xero_roach67: pang sandman nga
10:58:17 AM pam_miras: bat ang aga mo gumising?
10:58:22 AM pam_miras: o di ka pa tutulog?
10:58:24 AM xero_roach67: hindi pa ako natutulog...
10:58:31 AM xero_roach67: na-stuck ako sa isang eksena...
10:58:50 AM xero_roach67: pinipilit kong magkaroon ng emotions itong lintek na kwentong ito...
10:58:53 AM xero_roach67: bad trip kasi...
10:58:58 AM xero_roach67: ise-setup nila na walang emotions...
10:59:05 AM xero_roach67: tapos sa akin nila papalagyan...
10:59:07 AM xero_roach67: sus
10:59:15 AM xero_roach67: ayan... nag-angst tuloy ako
10:59:17 AM xero_roach67: ehehe
10:59:35 AM pam_miras: eh.. kaya mo yan
xero_roach67 disconnected (10:59:41 AM)
xero_roach67 connected (11:00:00 AM)
11:00:42 AM xero_roach67: nagtuturo ka ba ngayon?
11:00:49 AM pam_miras: as usual
11:00:51 AM pam_miras: ahehhe
11:01:19 AM pam_miras: nasa dos pa rin ako... pero may show na sa wakas
11:01:25 AM xero_roach67: wow...
11:01:31 AM xero_roach67: kumikita ka na?
11:02:21 AM pam_miras: heto brainstorm brainstorm... pero sabi ni ***** (headwriter ko) magsusulat na ako, one ep a month
11:02:30 AM pam_miras: aheheh... na blackmail ko,
11:02:33 AM xero_roach67: one ep
11:02:35 AM xero_roach67: ahahaha
11:02:39 AM xero_roach67: nice...
11:02:43 AM xero_roach67: pero kumikita ka na nga?
11:02:49 AM pam_miras: one week. ok na yun..
11:03:03 AM pam_miras: technically wala pa...
11:03:11 AM pam_miras: may 2 cheque ako nakatengga
11:03:15 AM xero_roach67: ahhh...
11:03:19 AM xero_roach67: pero okay na yan
11:03:21 AM xero_roach67: at least...
11:03:24 AM pam_miras: kasi di pa ayus papeles ko lech
11:03:36 AM xero_roach67: konti lang talaga magaling na writer...
11:03:43 AM xero_roach67: pagnagka reputasyon ka...
11:03:53 AM xero_roach67: tapos na semento yun... your made...
11:04:00 AM xero_roach67: at least sa showbiz a
11:04:06 AM xero_roach67: hehehe...
11:04:15 AM pam_miras: onga eh... ikaw youre almost there if not already...
11:04:23 AM xero_roach67: not...
11:04:27 AM xero_roach67: mga 3-5 years...
11:05:06 AM pam_miras: ako, gusto ko lang maging close kay ***** or ******, baka bigyan ako ng break magdirect or magsulat sa pelikula
11:05:16 AM xero_roach67: ahhh...
11:05:21 AM xero_roach67: patience lang...
11:05:21 AM pam_miras: parang route ni adolf alix, francis pasion... aloy...
11:05:33 AM xero_roach67: makukuha mo rin iyan...
11:05:35 AM xero_roach67: bata ka pa...
11:05:37 AM xero_roach67: ehehehe
11:05:39 AM xero_roach67: bwahahahahaha
11:05:39 AM pam_miras: hahahaha
11:05:47 AM pam_miras: gagu ka *****! ;))
11:05:54 AM xero_roach67: ndi seryoso...
11:05:59 AM xero_roach67: lalo na ngayon...
11:06:03 AM xero_roach67: hindi ka na ganun ka nega
11:06:08 AM xero_roach67: hihi
11:06:12 AM xero_roach67: :P
11:10:13 AM xero_roach67: 1. If i wasn't a writer, i'd probably be a...
11:10:26 AM pam_miras: director
11:10:28 AM pam_miras: aheheheh
11:11:04 AM xero_roach67: 2. 3 works you are most proud of
11:11:53 AM pam_miras: wala... proud ka lang after mo matapos pero after a year, kadiri na
11:12:10 AM xero_roach67: 3. Most brilliant TV series you wish you had written for
11:12:32 AM pam_miras: hmm..
11:12:39 AM pam_miras: the twilight zone
11:12:48 AM pam_miras: the xfiles
11:13:03 AM pam_miras: heroes season 1
11:13:04 AM xero_roach67: oh okay... next question
11:13:10 AM xero_roach67: 4. Movie/TV quote to end all quotes
11:13:17 AM pam_miras: laki na nga ng kita mo rumaraket ka pa! ahehe
11:13:33 AM xero_roach67: hehe...
11:13:39 AM xero_roach67: prodhouse sila...
11:13:50 AM xero_roach67: para pag gagawa ako ng pelikula may x deal
11:14:06 AM xero_roach67: sagutin mo yung 4
11:14:23 AM pam_miras: ay wala ako maisip. heto "..At ba't ako magrereport sa 'yo? Ano ako reporter" --
11:14:33 AM xero_roach67: ahahaha
11:14:36 AM xero_roach67: san iyan?
11:15:07 AM pam_miras: -- isadora, iisa pa lamang
11:15:13 AM xero_roach67: 5. My best brainstorming buddies
11:15:29 AM pam_miras: marlboro lights and coffee
11:15:42 AM xero_roach67: nice... last i heard they went full camp a few weeks before ending
11:15:44 AM xero_roach67: next
11:15:46 AM xero_roach67: 6. If I'm stuck in front of a blank screen and my fingers refuse to meet the deadline, my 'no-fail' muse that makes me cross the finish line to the "send' button is...
11:16:07 AM xero_roach67: marlboro lights and coffee - ooh.. i like, pa plagarize
11:16:08 AM xero_roach67: hehehe
11:16:24 AM pam_miras: two words. talent fee
11:16:34 AM xero_roach67: nice...
11:16:41 AM xero_roach67: ehehe... now i can write again
11:16:41 AM xero_roach67: hehehe
11:16:43 AM xero_roach67: 7. The best advice i can give to other writers hoping to get that 'by line' on TV is...
11:17:23 AM pam_miras: naku ang hirap niyan
11:17:32 AM pam_miras: wala pa kasi akong by-line sa TV
11:17:35 AM pam_miras: aahehhe
11:17:46 AM xero_roach67: errr... you got your films...
11:17:49 AM xero_roach67: draw from there...
11:18:04 AM pam_miras: tsk.
11:18:22 AM pam_miras: Audacity.
11:18:26 AM xero_roach67: were you never glassy-eyed hopeful...
11:18:33 AM xero_roach67: audacity... nice answer...
11:18:34 AM pam_miras: If they won't hire you, do it yourself.
11:18:40 AM xero_roach67: hah...
11:18:44 AM xero_roach67: very indie...
11:18:45 AM xero_roach67: hehe
11:19:13 AM pam_miras: all "indie" people want to break into the mainstream and get paid big time
11:19:24 AM xero_roach67: 8. How to best deal with Producers, Directors, Clients, "see my comments in blue"...
11:19:28 AM pam_miras: but the process is a killer, so we do it ourselves
11:19:29 AM xero_roach67: or red
11:20:42 AM pam_miras: eh di address the comments, correct what needs to be corrected
11:20:49 AM pam_miras: yun lang naman yun
11:20:54 AM xero_roach67: ehehe... i know this is getting to be adrag
11:20:57 AM xero_roach67: pero last 2
11:21:03 AM xero_roach67: simple questions
11:21:03 AM xero_roach67: 9. Song i'd like to make a movie of...
11:21:52 AM pam_miras: "Dorothy" ng Carnival Park... cinemalaya season 6 entry ko
11:21:54 AM pam_miras: wahahah
11:22:11 AM xero_roach67: kailan ba season 6
11:22:16 AM xero_roach67: eto na ba yun?
11:22:40 AM pam_miras: next year pa
11:22:48 AM xero_roach67: ahhh...
11:22:48 AM xero_roach67: ehehe
11:22:55 AM xero_roach67: ako din sali ako next year...
11:23:04 AM xero_roach67: 'halimaw sa siwang' title ko...
11:23:10 AM xero_roach67: pero hindi siya horror...
11:23:15 AM xero_roach67: parang donnie darcko siguro
11:23:18 AM xero_roach67: napanood mo na yun
11:23:19 AM pam_miras: aheheh
11:23:24 AM pam_miras: ayus ayus
11:23:49 AM pam_miras: tangena, kelangan ko gumawa muna ng tweetums bago mag-horror
11:24:03 AM xero_roach67: nyahehehe...
11:24:08 AM pam_miras: pag magaling na ako magpa-kilig, gagagaling na ako manakot
11:24:08 AM xero_roach67: napanood mo na donnie...
11:24:19 AM xero_roach67: oo nga... mas mahirap magpakilig
11:24:21 AM xero_roach67: hehehe
11:25:00 AM pam_miras: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4RqCBHMc_A
11:25:08 AM pam_miras: ito yung song na dorothy...
11:25:22 AM xero_roach67: yeap...
11:25:25 AM xero_roach67: uploading...
11:25:32 AM xero_roach67: uy have u seen donnie darko...
11:25:46 AM pam_miras: uy i dont remember..
11:25:51 AM pam_miras: di pa
11:25:57 AM xero_roach67: pahiramin kita...
11:26:00 AM xero_roach67: promise...
11:26:01 AM pam_miras: sige sige
11:26:04 AM xero_roach67: when i was watching it...
11:26:10 AM xero_roach67: ikaw naisip ko...
11:26:13 AM xero_roach67: ehehe..
11:26:22 AM xero_roach67: parang hi concept sci fi...
11:26:26 AM xero_roach67: pero downto earth
11:26:38 AM xero_roach67: about space time continuum... ekek
11:26:47 AM pam_miras: yung mga books mo nga nasa kin pa
11:26:52 AM xero_roach67: ahhh...
11:26:52 AM pam_miras: yung tv writing book mo
11:26:53 AM xero_roach67: o
11:26:54 AM xero_roach67: ano?
11:26:55 AM xero_roach67: ah
11:26:57 AM xero_roach67: eheheh
11:26:59 AM xero_roach67: oo nga...
11:27:03 AM xero_roach67: tapon mo na iyan
11:27:09 AM xero_roach67: may bagong buk ako
11:27:12 AM xero_roach67: ehehe
11:27:14 AM pam_miras: oo, binabasa basa ko uli
11:27:15 AM xero_roach67: about writing ek ek din..
11:27:22 AM xero_roach67: joke lang wag mo itapon...
11:27:24 AM pam_miras: hmp. kainis naman to
11:27:54 AM xero_roach67: kilala mo si david mamet
11:28:05 AM pam_miras: uy di mo naman ipu-publish yung quiz no? if you do, wag mo lagay name ko...
11:28:12 AM pam_miras: oo acting actingg yun eh
11:28:26 AM pam_miras: i mean directing actors..
11:28:26 AM xero_roach67: ehehe...
11:28:28 AM xero_roach67: hindi kaya
11:28:34 AM xero_roach67: ahhh
11:28:41 AM xero_roach67: hindi ba sa talkie isya
11:28:41 AM pam_miras: ano? writer din sya?
11:28:45 AM xero_roach67: yeap
11:28:50 AM xero_roach67: mas kilala siyang writer
11:29:00 AM xero_roach67: pulitzer prize winners ang plays niya
11:31:13 AM pam_miras: ow..
11:31:21 AM pam_miras: sige pabasa na rin
11:31:41 AM xero_roach67: niwei...
11:31:41 AM pam_miras: uy sige, magsulat ka na
11:31:43 AM xero_roach67: galing niya...
11:31:45 AM xero_roach67: gagao siya
11:31:46 AM xero_roach67: teka..
11:31:49 AM xero_roach67: last quiestion
11:31:51 AM xero_roach67: 10. Title to the screenplay of my life...
11:32:22 AM pam_miras: ayoko nga sagutin yang ka-cheesy han question na yan ahhehehee
11:33:13 AM xero_roach67: sige na
11:33:15 AM xero_roach67: last na iyan eh
11:33:16 AM xero_roach67: sus
11:34:00 AM pam_miras: "it could have been a brilliant career"
11:34:09 AM pam_miras: -galing sa belle n sebastian
11:34:09 AM xero_roach67: woah
11:34:16 AM xero_roach67: hahaha...
11:34:21 AM pam_miras: aheheh la akong maisip
11:34:21 AM xero_roach67: yung source ba ang disclamer mo
11:34:44 AM pam_miras: kanta nga yan ng belle n sebastian
11:34:51 AM pam_miras: oo disclaimer siguro aheheh
11:35:24 AM xero_roach67: ehehe
11:35:27 AM xero_roach67: ayt dashit
11:35:33 AM xero_roach67: nyt
11:35:51 AM pam_miras: ayt gudnayt...

right now, i'm panicking. and when i panic, i procrastinate. yesterday i bought a useless pair of shiny red shoes. for no reason at all. and 100 bucks on colored pencils. colored pencils?!



and to think i am spending so much money on cab fares, food and drinks for meetings, other little things. this is bad... i need a progress report done, a script revision, a legible storyboard, all by thursday morning. goodluck

back from the crypt

photo stolen from: delinion

After a 3-day lock in and 2 days straight of shuttling between soap work and LK work, my body finally succumbed to sickness. I spent most of the halloween weekend either asleep or wandering online. Here are some great finds...

I heart Japan!
http://www.spoon-tamago.com/
http://www.h-concept.jp
http://neojaponisme.com/

and bees...
http://nymag.com/arts/articles/08/10/beeart/index9.html

and polaroids...
http://www.poladroid.net/

and pretty things on pretty girls
http://www.creativearchiveblog.com/
http://www.lovechurchandstate.com/
http://www.loricknewyork.com/

and skulls...
http://www.skulladay.blogspot.com/

and man-to-man talk...
http://rulesformyunbornson.tumblr.com



This week I'm back to work. Still a little woozy... A lot of things coming up this first week of november...
1. a decision on what path to take: the soap-writer job, or the stable corporate job (argh this is the toughest!)
2. a decision on LK's final casting
3. first day of classes
4.the presentation to Ma'am Charo
5. and this...


hope to see you all on belle & sebastian night!

Fashion Emergency

stolen from rye

no offense to my gorgeous gay friends... but in the spirit of silly sci-fi, this post helped laser beam the blues away....

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Unsmileys

photos from weheartit.com

No reason for smiley faces. Nothing works. Not even the beer. Saw in a Woody Allen quote in a friend's blog

"Most of what you need, as a director, is psychological help..."

What I need is a hug...

Stress

pics stolen from khayal and programwitch

And it all has to happen at the same time...
I'm sorry but I can't bear to be sunshiney polyanna when:

a. Fursey's combo-drive can't eject a !#$% dvd when I need to preview a ton of student projects for grading. I've done every friggin trick in all the Mac/ Apple forums and nothing seems to work. Which means I need to bring him to a Mac repair shop.

b. They aren't calling!!! It's mid September and my life is on hold! I need to know if I can afford to not take on an academic load this coming sem, or if I'm gonna get a decent salary by October (because if not, I need to find all freelance jobs I can do and fast)

c. The amount of money I'm spending with Declan's schooling, the post-prod for the gov't .project, and research for the soap are all eating up into my pre-prod fund for my film. And I can't help it, money isn't coming in and I can't afford not to spend. Today, I'm friggin gonna have to pay for Declan's tuition... I guess the laptop repair is out of the question for the next 2 months. Aarrgh!

d. My usb is virus ridden and can't open any of the folders stored on it. And these folders have important files in them! Files I need for work!!!


photo stolen from emiliebjork

These days I either wanna pull my hair out or punch someone, or both. Sometimes I do it in my mind... or I count to ten. Is it mercury retrograde yet? Or am I reaping the fruits of bad karma?

Happy thoughts... Happy thoughts..Happy thoughts.. I need to clear my head for Friday when my class will be observed for PAASCU accreditation day, when I present my research for the soap, when I meet my staff for the first time (and make sure they don't back out after that meeting).

6 Scents

I heart Gwen's Stefani's Harajuku Lovers scents... if only for the cute bottles...

They're sadly not available in my beloved country. But their descriptions on Osmoz weren't "me" anyway. I need to go scent shopping soon as my Boss Femme 50mL's nearly up. I've been saving it for important occasions and am just using Declan's cologne on typical days.

A new scent helps frame a state of mind. Of course only wishy-washy girls understand this. Scents have marked phases in my life since my first bottle back in 2000.

Technically my first scent was an imitation Cool Water I was sort of conned into buying by a co-PA back in ABS. Let's not count that one...

Months later, my ol' college friend Sharon came back to Manila with one of the last few bottles of Gap Grass before it was finally phased out, that was my 2nd bottle. I used it up in less than a year then I bought the one-note classic Green Tea (Liz Arden) before all the imitations came out. One could say that this Green phase was my pre-Declan phase when I was a whole lot more carefree and boyish and reckless, and things were simpler.

While having Declan, I was penniless and I remember using a Victoria's Secret body spray given by a friend or an aunt, I don't really remember. I was incurably depressed during this time and didn't care to go out of the house let alone have any concern over scents.

After I gave birth I remember using W (Banana Republic), a sample bottle I got as a Christmas gift I think. Thus began a love affair with florals as I left media temporarily for more stable call center work. I used Happy (Clinique) and Light Blue (Dolce & Gabanna) alternately. Now both are considered cliche scents copied by even the most affordable cologne brands. One could say that Happy was my most long term signature having used 3 100mL bottles.

I resigned after 3 years and moved into a rented new condo. Little did I know this was to be one of the darker times in my life. I had a new scent to mark the trasition, Omnia (Bvlgari). This was a spicy-oriental one, ending my floral phase.

When I got out of that rut and moved back into my parents' home, I bought a new scent too mark the new beginning. This was Boss Femme , a return to florals, but on a less fruity/ flirty note.

I'm wondering what could be next? The simpler one-essence-per-note Alabaster (Banana Republic)? Or the adventurous floral-green-with-notes-of-chocolate Covet (Sarah Jessica Parker) ? Or the old classic Manifesto (Isabella Rossellini), or the cheap reliable ready for shipping at ebay.ph-- White 360 (Perry Ellis)....

Finding a scent that clicks is just as difficult as finding the right production designer. But that's another story...

First Day High

Declan's first day. He took to his new backpack. He proudly wore it and wasn't bothered by the straps like he was before. That morning he was also looking over the boxes and school supplies. He looks old in the pics. More worried and anxious than excited. I think I'm the only one who's excited...



My cousin drove us there. It went as expected. I could hear chairs and tables overturned upstairs and I knew it was him. Both his SPED and ABA teacher said the same things-- that they had a tough time getting him to sit down and do as told. But I mean, give the kid a break. He's been out of school for almost two years, and these are strangers, he needs time to get used to things.... Unfortunately I didn't get pics of him in the classroom. Parents and caregivers had to wait downstairs. At least I had the time to write the summary of some of the cassette interviews.

He had his measurements taken for his uniform and we'll probably get the set by next week. I wanted to accompany him today for his OT, but alas I need to start on the documentary editing plus I have class in the afternoon. My other regret is that I should have gone to SM department store first before National Bookstore. Their outlet in SM Bicutan is horrendous. The office supplies section of the department store had more selections and carried the plain colorful plastic covered notebooks I was looking for. Tsk, I had settled with the typical blue notebooks for his teachers notes. I don't know why I'm making such a fuss. Declan probably doesn't care. I guess parents are like that, they feel that their kids are extensions of themselves and are in effect buying school supplies for themselves.

Hello September

stolen from postsecret

New month, new hurdles. But I'm excited. In my 20's I'd probably wallow in despair and write the sappiest poems and pester old reliables into drinking with me. Now in my 30's, I decided to color-code my calendar and organize my to-do list for the entire month.

stolen from flickr

I bought a bright yellow notebook on the new moon for accounting my expenses. I'm doing 2 government-funded projects, a research fund for a television soap, and my own expenses of course. Last week was a nightmare figuring out how much money I really have and how much I owe the other funds I've been dipping in to. Unless by some stroke of luck I end up marrying an accountant, I have to force myself to balance my own books and never be bankrupt again.



photo credits: kideko, j.crew, wonderboy

Will be shopping for school supplies and little boy clothes later for Declan's first day of school tomorrow. I'm so excited. I wish I had the budget to shop for all these nice things online, but right, now I have to settle for SM.

He's been out of therapy for more than two years. Am such a bad mother for letting myself drown in debt and disillusionment. But things are gonna be different now. He'll by trying out ABA, for the first time and also , he'll be sitting in a SPED class with other kids. Now that's a gigantic leap from the one one therapy he's used to. Other kids... Now that's a bit scary for Declan, he kinda panicked the last time we were in the school for his evaluation. Hopefully he'll get used to it. Eventually, he'll be required to wear a uniform, according to the school admin. A uniform! I think I'm gonna cry...

Work

I heart Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert. I think Dilbert is only truly funny for people who work in thankless 9-hour corporate jobs.... And I'm going back to this flourescent-lighted hell--depending on the job offer (and interview results) in a few weeks from now.

It sounds crazy at this time, but I think I can focus more on the film when it is the only job I have requiring creativity and heart. Any form of writing requires creativity (whether its crappy ass tv drama or crappy ass avps). And teaching requires heart (and patience and a tough exterior). Phone sales for IT solutions may require mental work but it ends with the shift. I don't take it home with me.

Plus the money. Yes the money, I can be sure that no matter what, I get a paycheck twice a month that's enough to pay for the basics with a little extra in case the NCCA fund falls short. And maybe a little extra for the little things that keep me sane.

Not pestering your friends and parents for money to pay for emergency expenses (and "the film" may require a lot of it) gives me confidence. And I need a lot of it now more than ever. It's been four years, I'm rusty, and I'm doing something that has not been done before (at least in the history of Philippine short films I think), and filming an idea too far-out to be taken seriously. Undertaking something like this can make one look to zealous or eager (like evangelists and activists and lovestruck people and malnourished people). Like your life depended on it. And too much eagerness makes one pathetic. And nobody wants to work with pathetic people.

At this point in my life I come to a realization that people really like you because of how you make them feel about themselves. We are drawn to people who make us feel the way we want to. That of course is relative-- some need to feel needed, some need to feel important, some need to feel sexy, some need to feel feared, and you get the picture. And to get the results you want from people out is to get them to feel whatever it is they want. And this is why we like being around funny, magical people. People who give us hope and make us forget. That is why we have religious cult leaders and rockstars. Of course it takes effort to put on a show 24/7, but politicians, stars, and cassanova's do this unconsciously. This is what sales taught us. Maybe this new job could be a reviewer.

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man,

but for this to endure, it must be assisted
by a little physical antipathy.

Speaking of humour, check out The Nietzsche Family Circus. It's a Nietzsche quote paired with a cutesy Family Circus cartoon.

Thoughts are the shadows of our sensations -
always darker, emptier, simpler than these.

Ultra-femme Wednesday

I can take a hint, but I don't take defeat, at least not as easily, and not to seasonal affective disorder caused by this Karen chick.


Placenta There are things like baby footprints, saving baby's first lock of hair, posting his ultrasound pic on Facebook... but nothing says "motherly love" more than a Placenta Print.

Ah, I should've gotten one back '01, mount it on canvass, auction it when I get famous (or die, whichever comes first). It's the closest I would ever get to "visual art". I wonder what it would smell like though... I guess parenting is like durian, it stinks to some, tastes heavenly to some...it's an acquired taste.

Rubyfruit




Stolen from Elaine . This 1989 short film is by Sadie Benning and was made with this toy camera. I wish my godmother had given me a Fisher-Price camera instead of a Barbie.
Reminds me of my UP film school days in the '90s when we had someone like Sir Jonathan Beller make us watch films like these and Kenneth Anger's and make papers using The Flor Contemplacion Story & Natural Born Killers alongside Renato Constantino readings. Where else could you find an American who make us watch Nora Aunor & Lito Lapid films in film theory class?

Rachel Sofield



pic stolen from designer Rachel Sofield . Not necessarily true I think. My heart is in both places. My heart is all over the place (on my sleeve, on my blog). And it always is fun while it lasts. I have low EQ. I'd rather have fun now. You won't know if the prince is a frog until its kissed.

Sometimes I want to be proven wrong. But same old, same old... The 90-day rule may have some truth to it. My friend Nina was telling me the other day that if we put together all the beer we've drank (since we met back in 2005) to talk/forget about the men in our lives, it would be enough to fill an olympic-sized swimming pool. Definitely enough to drown one's sorrows. Luckily I know how to swim.

50

don't we all wish we could be this hot at age 50?


i heart our lola madonna.... she celebrated her 5th decade yesterday

i revel in the fact that we have astro aspects in common : virgo ascendants, sun in leo, mercury and mars in virgo

she gives this fan hope... after an out-of wedlock child (the gorgeous lourdes) and a gazillion lovers, she finds her guy ritchie at age 41... and 2 kids, and more adopted ones to come, she is and will always be ... the Queen of Pop (all hail).

i can't wait

distractions help me cope when the goal becomes more hypothetical than real... it's not escapism, it's more like survival...


Coraline The Watchmen


Camera Obscura's new album

signs

stolen from tengal


photo credits: amarand agasi

The lover is the natural semiologist in the pure state! He spends his time reading signs -- he does nothing else: signs of happiness, signs of unhappiness. On the face of the other, in his behavior. He is truly a prey to signs.

So the proverb is a lie: love is not blind...

Love is not blind. On the contrary, it has an unbelievable power to decipher things, which is related to the paranoid element in every lover. You know, a lover combines bits of neurosis and psychosis : he's tormented and crazed. He sees clearly -- but the result is often the same as if he were blind.

Why?

Because he doesn't know where or how to make signs stop. He deciphers perfectly, but he's unable to arrive at a definite interpretation, and he's swept away by a perpetual circus, where he'll never find peace.

Roland Barthes, Playboy, Sept. 1977 (interview conducted by Philippe Roger)

pixel-ized

I stole my blog icon from here. Lovely site for non-graphic artists like me. If you have a Facebook account, you'll recognize these icons from pixelgirl presents





And speaking of "pixel"s... Is there even a tactfull way to ask another person to stop being annoying? Especially if you seem to be the only person who seems to be annoyed? I guess some people when faced with the honest truth will reward you with antagonism and baseless accusations.
But that's life- or rather low-life for you...