... I decide to blog again. I guess it's typical of me to blog when there is no one to rant to. I get into this phase once a year... The phase when you feel you have an emotional/psychological rash you feel like scratching, it's irritating, and nothing and no one can help you...
and because this happens on an annual basis, I can confidently trace it's cause to lack of money. I just hate not having money, or the thought of not having money. Knowing that at age 31 I am earning less than what I am earning at age 21. Now how did that happen??! How could I have let that happen? I trusted too much I guess. It's showbiz for chrissakes. and i'm fuckin hero angeles.
one minute you're in it, next minute you're out.... and that's supposed to be how it goes.
of course it doesn't help if your former co-writers both are working on a new show, and your former headwriter is directing, and this godforsaken unit has acquired a new batch of workshoppers-- all vying to get hired.
so where does that leave me? christ.
Maybe I'm still paying for the time I pissed off this airhead trannie. (S)he's probably badmouthed me in an instant to the other headwriters... Maybe some ass read a job-related facebook shoutout rant (and this is of course while being locked in, unannounced, for 7 days, during my birthday) and spread the word to superiors on how i'm complaining about my work... Or maybe it's the thinking that "she just had a show, she'll be fine till 2010...".
Whatever it is, fuck them. Fuck TV. Fuck Philippine network TV.
You do your job, you sacrifice your precious time to hang around and imbibe a highly unproductive work process (is there is a process to the madness), you drop everything for them... and this is how you get repaid.
But... I still gotta think up an sexy-action concept to be eligible for the 2500/wk think tank fee, which is the only thing that's keeping me alive... Of course I can't think straight. All I can think about is how to come up with the extra money to cover my monthly expenses amounting to just under 25 grand.
So declan has to stop schooling? Do I let the yaya go? Do I get the dsl connection cut off? do i forego the life insurance I'm paying for? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm deep in debt again... I spent the last few days queuing up at cine europa's free movies just so I can stay away from my mom's tirade on what a useless louse I am. You'd think I should be used to my mom's insults by now... but no, every year as I get older, it hurts even more. When your mom asks you to "get a real job" at age 21, that's nothing. Try hearing that at age 31.
I am usually not this incoherent. But when you're in that weird place between anger and desperation, the words and the thoughts behind it get mixed up.
But I can't afford to freeze in my tracks. I just gotta figure a way out of this mess. But how? I'm too fuckin old to go entry-level at a new career. And I'm too proud to look for another job and just say that this one "didn't work out".
But I'm just ranting now. Useless words in cyberspace. I'm still gonna wait till they get me for another show. I'm still gonna attend these futile meetings and futile pitching sessions, and kiss ass... And then when I least expect it, I'm part of another creative team and the deadlines will begin and the lock ins, but the paycheques will come and I can pay off my debts... until the next drought...
But I can't go on living like this.
Life with ABS is pretty much like married life I guess. Hell... It was great at the start but now, you regret the day you signed the contract.
I'm still sticking with TV and mainstream... Even though I realized now that it won't make me rich enough to buy art... or make art..
I'm sticking around because I have nowhere else to go...
piece of shit