-30-

Yesterday was an internal party. The solar return of my third decade on earth. I feel like a dinosaur. Not the flesh-eating sort, but the purple sort-- Barney. Song and dance in the rain. I love you you love me, we're a friggin happy family.. And I am bigger, brighter and everyone else are puny creepily articulate children..

I hold that thought in my head. I thought I would have a gigantic party, Leo-style-- a gathering of all the people who figured in my 20s. But no, little parties with the few people who truly care for me-- lunch with a true friend and dinner with family. That's that. I've learned now that it's better to exercise minimalism in my relations. It's simpler, and the happy feeling lingers more. No headaches and regrets after.

Yesterday I also learned to count to ten before replying anything that could cause irreparable damage. It's not always about getting back, or expressing yourself. Its about choosing battles. I may have a gift for quick wit, fast retorts, piercing words and these have caused the deaths of valuable friendships and work relations. And its not worth it....

But I'm not bullet-proofed against pain. I will probably never forget what she told me. But it's ok. Now I know what we are . We're co-workers, we're drinking buddies. We're not true friends. And again its ok, maybe I don't need a lot of friends, maybe I just need one. Everyone else, I can just work with or have fun with.


I've always wondered what the symbol -3o- meant at the end of articles or stories. I first saw this done by former bandmate KDM, then I found out the journalism teachers at St. Scho did it too. -30- meant the end of the story. And there are a ton of myths as to where this originated. But the most valid explanation would be that 30 is shorthand for "end". This is according to the Phillips Code .

In a way my 30th year can be considered an ending. Or at least I'd like it to be. The end to emotional immaturity, flimsy friendships, bad habits, embarrassing behavior, negativity. The end of my 20's -- probably the most intense period of my life so far.

In the Phillips Code, a lot of the numbers' have messages that uncannily correspond to the what my message when I was at that age....

7 means "are you ready", 13 is " i understand", 18 is "what is the trouble", 24 is "repeat this back", 28 is "do you get my writing?"... I can't wait till 88, which means "love & kisses".